Chelsea Morley is a mother, creative director and founder of Tiny Disco, and The Notepad's advice columnist.
Dear Chelsea,
I'm exhausted. It's not because my baby is waking up in the night, or because I'm pregnant and physically doing the most. No, now, it's my mind. It is constantly racing with lists, to-dos, playing things that might happen or replaying things that have happened... I sometimes struggle to stay present in a conversation because I start thinking about something else I haven't done or catch a glimpse of my son and realise his clothes are getting too small and start planning what to buy him and from where. Then I feel guilty for not being present with the person I'm talking to. If I get half an hour to watch a show or read, something will bother me so much, like the cushions on the lounge being all squashed, and then I spend the time fixing the room instead or worse, feel like I should post on Instagram that I'm taking "me time". I will admit, my relationship with social media is pretty messed up at the moment, but that's maybe a fish to fry on another day. I feel always on edge, even at night, I can't switch off. I take magnesium, I try to meditate and exercise — not as much as I should, something I also feel bad about. I have a 1-year-old, a marriage, a business and employees to manage, a house to run and a big social group, so I know I'm busy, but since going back to work full-time about 6 months ago, the mental noise has started to feel debilitating. I've wondered if I have ADHD, or anxiety or depression, or if this is just the result of the life I've created for myself. I'm trying so hard to keep everything in motion, everyone happy, and I just feel like I'm failing and will never get ahead.
— Messy (Brained) Mum
Dear Messy (Brained) Mum,
First things first. You are not, by any stretch of the word, failing. Far, far from it! Chant it with me now — “I am not failing! I am NOT failing!”
This messy brain you describe sounds like you're in the middle of a never-ending hurricane — kids clothes, social commitments, groceries, work things and all-the-other-shit-you-need-to-deal-with-in-a-week swirling around you constantly and with force.
Of course your beautiful, bustling mind can’t sit still with all of this chaos — she’s stretched far and wide being a mother, a partner, a business owner and a great friend.
As a fellow perfectionist I know how dangerous this hurricane can feel, and my darling, we are not alone. The top three triggers and reasons for deteriorating mental health for women in this country are:
- Burnout
- The Mental Load
- Work / life / family juggle
It seems like you are spinning all of the above plates… and then some.
I’m a true believer that sometimes the smallest shifts can lead to the biggest breakthroughs. So, if the timing is right for you, I’d love to toss you a couple of things that have helped me in moments of overwhelm.
Access help if you feel ready to
This may be a simple appointment to talk with your GP or perhaps unpacking your thoughts with a friend over a cuppa is more your jam. Give yourself the space to find what type of outlet you need. Perhaps, if your financial position allows it, this is a cleaner who comes in once a fortnight, or a fruit box dropped off weekly that cuts back on just one thing. From a business perspective, Beyond Blue’s NewAccess program is a wonderful (and free!) initiative for small business owners who are struggling.
Delete social media even just for a hot minute
We all know social media is melting our brains. I read something last week that if you spend 58 minutes on social media each day, you’ll spend almost 4 years of your life stuck on the Zuckerberg train to hell. As difficult as it is, switching off your socials, be it for a month or even just 5 days can be both empowering and cleansing for you. None of us really need to see which influencer has been gifted the latest bugaboo or what Pookie named her baby (it’s Paloma, if you must know). Allow yourself some clarity. How often do we wake up the next morning and feel GREAT about doom scrolling anyway?
Embrace the hunt for joy
As a mother, it is very easy to put your family’s requirements far above your own. Look at your calendar and highlight what is in your week ahead that brings you joy. If the answer is nothing, plot out how to inject just one piece of joy in somewhere. Can you carve an hour out one evening or go to a solo movie on a Tuesday morning? Give yourself permission to pause. Oh, and switch off your phone when you do it.
Say no to things
Say no to more things — when the social calendar gets too much, don’t overthink rejecting an invite. FOMO may be real but exhaustion is realer. And, let's face it, sometimes that party just ain’t worth it.
Focus on what you have right now
I often ask myself the question — 50 years from now, would I care about this thing that is stressing me out right now? Shift your focus to the positives in your world. This can take time but once you clock it, it’s pure bliss. Focus on your child’s cute nose or one funny thing they said. Focus on biting into your favorite chocolate bar and savoring every second or the dalmatian in the dog park. Simple is best.
Just enough is perfect
Rather than striving for a perfect house and a perfect social media account to reflect that, focus on just getting through. Leave that pile of dirty washing or eat eggs on toast for dinner, the world doesn’t end and no one actually cares. Striving for perfection across all aspects of your life is both painful and draining. No one is perfect, and that’s what makes us human.
And lastly, you need to be kind to yourself. Remember, it does not matter what life looks like on the outside that matters, it is how you feel about it on the inside that counts.
Let’s say it together one last time — “I am not failing.” You are beautiful, clever, wonderful and strong. You’ll come out the other side of this hurricane, I can feel it.
