Rachel Maksimovic was living abroad and working as a digital marketer when she became unexpectedly pregnant with her son. Here, she shares her story about the highs and lows of being a solo parent, and the lessons she’s learned along the way.

Seven months before I fell pregnant I had gone out on my own and started a full service digital marketing agency. I always dreamed of working for myself and freedom of location, and this led me to Bali. I was living the most spontaneous life, surfing every morning, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner out and working from a beachside co-working space in my bikinis.

For many years I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids. I was in the early stages of a new relationship when I found out I was pregnant, and to be honest I was horrified. Not only because we were a new couple, but also because I was in a foreign country that has laws against abortion. In Hindu culture you need to be married to have a child so that was the first cultural difference that became apparent when I fell pregnant.

My pregnancy was quite challenging; I was really sick for the first 20 weeks and could barely eat — and when I did eat it was mainly hot chips. Emotionally I was also incredibly challenged, navigating a relationship breakdown in another country and facing the prospect of having to raise a child on my own was daunting. That said, I was excited about childbirth and I think that gave me something to channel my focus into. I had a strong idea on how I wanted to birth and being alone in the experience meant that I could pour my energy into that.

I had such a beautiful support team for my birth: my mum, midwife and doula. There was something so special about having such strong feminine energy in that room (who were all birthing queens) and my birth was the most magical and intense experience of my life. I feel so grateful to have had that kind of birth and I truly believe it enabled me to have the best chance at a strong entry into motherhood. I went into motherhood feeling like the strongest warrior queen and I think that gave me so much strength and confidence.

"I had such a beautiful support team for my birth: my mum, midwife and doula. There was something so special about having such strong feminine energy in that room (who were all birthing queens) and my birth was the most magical and intense experience of my life."

The early season of motherhood was tough. The lows were mostly about how alone I felt 90 per cent of the time. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to feed and just feeling like the loneliest person in the world. I would get through those moments by trying to think of all the Mums around the world who were currently sitting awake feeding their babies, and the Mums who were in unsafe environments. Then I would feel such immense gratitude that I wasn’t really alone and that I had so much to be grateful for.

While it can be lonely and isolating at times as a solo mum, I feel really grateful that so many people have shown up for my son Lenny and I over the last three years. I have a beautiful memory from those early weeks when one of my close friends came to stay with me for a few nights. In the middle of the night she came into my room and sat on the bed next to me while Lenny was crying. She just sat with me, didn’t try to take over or offer advice and it is amazing how big that felt for me — just knowing for that moment I wasn’t doing it on my own.

In many ways, I’ve had to build my own village, and I’ve even had neighbours become family, taking Lenny out for walks so that I could take meetings. I feel so lucky that Lenny and I have so many special relationships and, while I don’t live in the same state as family, I have realised very quickly that friends do become the family you choose.

"While I don’t live in the same state as family, I have realised very quickly that friends do become the family you choose."

One of the positives of my experience as a solo parent is that I was able to focus all of my energy into breastfeeding and attachment with Lenny, I didn’t have to worry about a partner coming home to a messy house or expecting a meal on the table or any other expectations. I swear I survived on sachet porridge for about 4 months straight but that meant I could focus all my energy on us — our little unit.

I think this had such a huge impact on my ability to breastfeed for as long as I did and also just helped me navigate those challenging early months. Now that Lenny is three, the challenges are different and the toughest part is rarely having any time for myself. Since the moment Lenny was born everything has been on my shoulders and sometimes it all feels a bit heavy. Financially it’s also a challenge, and while I am so grateful that I have the freedom to work my own hours and that it’s gifted me all these years with Lenny, living on a sole income without any additional financial support has at times been tricky.

"Being a new parent is such a vulnerable time and I think it's so important that new mothers can lean into their own intuition and inner guidance for what feels right for them and their own family based on their own values."

Being a new parent is such a vulnerable time and I think it's so important that new mothers can lean into their own intuition and inner guidance for what feels right for them and their own family based on their own values. I honestly think many women struggle postpartum because they are stuck between doing what they “think they should do” rather than doing what feels good for them.

"I honestly think many women struggle postpartum because they are stuck between doing what they “think they should do” rather than doing what feels good for them."

I have to consciously make gratitude part of my everyday life. It’s easy to let everything unravel when life gets challenging, so focusing on all of the good that I have, rather than the things I feel may be lacking is a priority. I have always had a firm belief that things happen in the way they are meant to. Sometimes at the beginning it's hard to see what the silver lining is but I think about how much I have learnt about myself, how I want to show up in the world the lessons I’ve learned through my relationship with this little boy who is so full of love (my god, I have so much to learn from him!) and I’m so grateful for that.

I feel so proud of who I have become through this journey of motherhood. I know all of these learnings will only mean I will be so ready for my next steps or my next partnership and that one day I’ll look back on these moments and know that each and every one —even the painful ones — led me to where I am.