Dr Jessica Wade is a clinical sexologist and mum to three boys.

After giving birth, it is common for women to experience pain with sex. Reports vary with anywhere from 16% up to 62% having painful sex at 3 months after delivery, and results are similar for both vaginal and C-section birth.

Despite being so common, advice for sex post-birth, other than “wait six weeks” and checking your birth control plans, is lacking. Questions about how postpartum women are feeling or experiencing with sex aren’t part of general postpartum check-ups. Leaving new parents uninformed about what sex after birth should be like. As a clinical sexologist and mother of three, I take particular issue with this. We need to be informed about what to expect with painful sex post-birth, what to look out for, and when pain is ‘normal’ versus when you need to see a professional for help. One of the biggest myths we’re told as women is that painful sex is to be expected. There is no way we should accept that. Pleasure and sex should be part of every woman’s and couple's postpartum care plan. We need to start prioritising pleasure as sex is vital to our overall health.

Postpartum sex can be equal if not better than pre-baby and gives advice for not just having less painful sex, but “toes curling and full-bodied ‘gasms, that fill cups you didn't even know existed”. Where to start? By understanding the physical, emotional and lifestyle factors that contribute to painful sex and work on all three levels to reclaim your pleasure.

Physical Aspects of Postpartum Sex

Reasons You Could Be Experiencing Painful Sex:

1. Hormonal Changes: After pregnancy your body’s oestrogen levels drop significantly this can make sex uncomfortable or even painful due to decreased vaginal lubrication, thinning of genital tissue 2. Physical Healing: Whether you had a vaginal birth or a C-section, your body needs time to heal. Scar tissue, stitches, and general tenderness can contribute to discomfort during sex. 3.Pelvic Floor Muscles: These muscles stretch and contract again during childbirth and need time to regain strength and elasticity. A weak or tight pelvic floor muscle can cause pain during intercourse.

How to Have Sex Without Pain:

• Body wisdom: Listen to your body, it will tell you things the mind is hiding, if you do not feel ready for penetration, that’s fine! There are plenty more ways to get yourself and your partner off. Sex without penetration is still sex!
• Lubrication: Use plenty of water-based lubricant to help with vaginal dryness. Post-pregnancy and breastfeeding can both contribute to less vaginal lubrication during the post-partum. Ain’t no shame in bringing out the lube – I recommend a natural pH balanced, fragrance free lubricant.
• Pelvic Floor Exercises: pelvic floor muscles awareness is super important; seeing a pelvic floor physiotherapist to do an internal and external assessment and give you tailored exercises is often life-changing. Remember with Kegels the ability to relax muscles is just as important as strengthening the muscles. The idea is to improve muscle tone and reduce pain.
• Communication: I cannot stress this one enough, talk with your partner about what feels good and what does not. Take things slow and be patient with yourself. Take off the pressure, have fun and be curious about this new chapter in your lives.
• Professional Help: If pain persists, do not hesitate to consult a pelvic floor therapist or a sexologist.

Emotional Aspects of Postpartum Sex

Welcoming back your sexual self after childbirth is not just about physical readiness but emotional readiness too. Most medical professionals recommend 2 - 6 weeks postpartum to restart sex. This timeframe also needs to take into account your emotional well-being.

Ways to Tend to Your Emotional Self Postpartum:

1. Sexual empowerment: give yourself permission to receive. You have entered a role that is ultimately giving and nurturing, balancing this with the ability to receive is crucial to experience pleasure in its fullness. 2. Body Positivity: Embrace your postpartum body. Celebrate its strength and the miracle it has accomplished. 3. Connection: Reconnect with your partner emotionally. Share your feelings and work together to find your new normal.

Lifestyle Aspects of Postpartum Sex

The societal expectations placed on new mothers can be intense. There is no right and wrong and leaning into your own navigation system – your intuition as mother is your superpower.

Navigating Social Pressures:

1. Ignore the myths: Society often perpetuates the myth that postpartum women should quickly return to their pre-pregnancy bodies and sex lives. Remember, there is no rush, drop expectations. 2. Support and The Village: This is probably the most important piece of advice in the postpartum period, reach out for help especially in the early days, ask neighbours, friends, family for what you need, cooked meals, house cleaning, practical help that is going to give you, baby, and partner time to bond.

Ways to Tend to Your Sexual Self Postpartum

Reclaiming your pleasure body and embracing your newfound power and sensuality.

Tips for Amazing Postpartum Sex:

1. Explore: Rediscover your body and what feels good. Your body has changed, and so might your sexual preferences. 2. Prioritise Intimacy: Find ways to be intimate with your partner that do not necessarily involve sex. Build up the emotional and physical connection. 3. Patience: Understand that it may take time for your sex life to feel “normal” again, and that is okay. 4. Remember: You are a powerful being who has brought life into this world. Embrace your strength, nurture your body and soul, and remember that amazing sex is not just possible—it is your right. Celebrate your journey in all its stages, knowing that you deserve pleasure and connection in this beautiful new chapter of your life as Mother.