Sweet and Savage: Mothering a Newborn and a Toddler

For me it was an easier transition from one to two children than zero to one.

In February this year Clinical Nutritionist, Jennalea McInnes, and partner Andrew welcomed daughter Sylvie to the world, a younger sister for two-year-old Oliver. McInnes’ practice focuses on preconception preparation, pregnancy support, hormones and periods. Jennalea is an open book when it comes to baby-related topics. Here, she shares how her own pregnancies, births, and postpartum experiences have been worlds apart.

On her pregnancy and birth with Oliver

While pregnant with Oliver I had HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum, severe persistent nausea and vomiting) until 20 weeks. It was not fun. The memory of that time is a bit foggy now but I struggled to walk up stairs because of the pelvic girdle pain. I had a lot of fluid and I felt slow. I felt shit. Actually, I felt like I was dying in those first 20 weeks, as though someone had poisoned me.

"While pregnant with Oliver I had HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum, severe persistent nausea and vomiting) until 20 weeks. It was not fun. I felt like I was dying in those first 20 weeks, as though someone had poisoned me."

With the birth, in a nutshell– I had a 60 hour labour that ended in a c-section. The worst part was that I didn’t get to hold him until 9 hours after he was born. He had aspirated a lot of meconium so was sent off to special care and placed in an incubator with an oxygen mask. I got to hold his hand about 2 hours after birth and then I was wheeled down to recovery. I was a complete mess. An incredibly lonely feeling. I just wanted my partner Andrew there but it was during COVID times so I had to wait until he came back the next day.

In hindsight, I was annoyed that they didn’t focus on getting colostrum into my baby and getting him fed and doing skin to skin. By the time they handed him to me he was starving. His tiny head was bobbing everywhere and he didn’t latch properly.

On her pregnancy and birth with Sylvie

With Sylvie I was still quite sick in the first trimester but only up until 13 weeks. I was vomiting daily and generally felt like I couldn’t function, but I didn’t have a choice, I had to keep going because I had Ollie to care for. We were going to the park each day and I fell into a heap on the couch during his nap times. Luckily, I didn’t get any pelvic issues. Phew! I was able to get to the gym about four times a week and stayed strong and fit throughout the pregnancy. I did a lot of pelvic floor exercises because I was determined to do VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarean).

The Facebook VBAC support page had a few thousands hits from me during that time! I was reading stories and doing my research on vaginal birth. I was obsessed. It was more about getting my head in the game. It definitely wasn’t during the first labour, instead I was in fear. Second time around, I trusted my body a lot more and I had this affirmation that I repeatedly told myself during the labour: “I trust my body and I trust my baby”. And I stuck to that.

"Second time around, I trusted my body a lot more and I had this affirmation that I repeatedly told myself during the labour: “I trust my body and I trust my baby”. And I stuck to that."

The labour was different this time. I laboured for one hour in water and I had a few showers which was amazing. It ended up being a 13 hour labour all up and it progressed successfully, it never stalled. I didn’t have any medication but I vomited a lot. An epidural was talked about at one point and my partner asked me if I was sure I wanted it. “No. I don’t fucking want it but ask me again in an hour,” I said. My first epidural with Ollie didn’t work and I’m not sure why.

We had an amazing team in the birth suite: my partner, my sister (who is studying midwifery), a midwife and a student midwife. My sister was the perfect cheerleader. She kept me grounded saying things such as: “you’re strong, you can do this”, all the right cues. Everyone was there to tell me to breathe and that I could do this. It was good. I didn’t experience Foetal Ejection Reflex where it feels as though your baby is pushing itself out. In the moment, it felt more as though my body was just telling me to push and I went for it.

I got to catch her and it was beautiful. I was beaming with pride. We all were. She was on my chest for three hours straight and didn’t go for the boob straight away because she was a bit tired. Overall, recovery (with a second degree tear) has been quicker than the c-section recovery. I had a few days of discomfort and pain and used Nurofen and ice packs to move through that comfortably.

The two birth experiences have been worlds apart.

On the differences in her two postpartum experiences

With Ollie being my first, I tracked all the stuff he was doing; how many nappies I was changing, how long he sleeps for, how many minutes he was on my left boob, how many on the right boob. I was so in my head that I felt that I had to be on top of all of those details. I worried about everything and didn’t let myself enjoy the experience. Everything was a shit show. He was crying and screaming all the time and I didn’t know why. We didn’t know how to settle him and we didn’t know his sleep cues.

Whereas this time I haven’t done any of that stuff. No The Wonder Weeks app this time. If she doesn’t sleep well one day, cool, whatever, she’s just being a baby. Overall, I think I’m much kinder to myself and I’m enjoying the experience. What it comes down to, I think, is that expectations lead to suffering. With my first baby I had all these expectations around feeding, weight gain, you name it. With my second baby I don’t have any expectations and I’m just chill. It’s a good feeling. It helps that she feeds quickly and sleeps better than Ollie.

"Overall, I think I’m much kinder to myself and I’m enjoying the experience. What it comes down to, I think, is that expectations lead to suffering."

When I returned home with Sylvie I cried for about six hours straight. Literally – I bawled. It dawned on me that it’s not just us anymore. You know? Ollie is only just starting day care now and it felt like I was grieving the end of an era. It was a really hard two days feeling that way and my partner kept telling me that I’d just given him the best gift ever. He’s right. But I felt like an arsehole.

At the start Ollie was a little bit curious and unphased when we bought her home. As the weeks progressed there were jealous moments. For example, if she was feeding he would try and pull her head off my boob. But he is super-obsessed with her now. Like every toddler, he is seriously rough. Now, he runs in when she wakes up from a nap saying “baby, baby”. He’s also licking her head a lot and I’m not sure what that’s all about!

"At the start Ollie was a little bit curious and unphased when we bought her home. As the weeks progressed there were jealous moments."

We’ve tried to make it as easy an adjustment as possible for him. We make sure we give him undivided attention and not just focus on her. When someone is with Sylvie the other parent is with Ollie. We tag team and keep it equal. I also think about my body language and make sure I get down to his eye level, make eye contact, talk to him, give him my undivided attention. If I’m breastfeeding her and Andrew is home, then he will make sure they are engaged in an activity.

With Sylvie I’m not attached to any routine because ultimately, she needs to come along for the ride. She gets thrown in the pram if we need to head out to the park and fit into Ollie’s routine. She’s such a happy baby. She’s easy. But, maybe that’s because of my energy?

On the sweet versus savage moments

For me personally, it was an easier transition from one to two children than zero to one. The first few months with your first baby are the hardest. I describe mothering a newborn and a toddler as ‘Sweet and Savage’ because there’s a tension in me sometimes. For example, when your newborn falls asleep on you but you have to transfer them to give your undivided attention to your toddler. The contact naps are minimal second time around so when I do get them, I enjoy them. Leaving the house as a family of four is different now too. No longer do I feel like a "fun" parent to my toddler because I’m wearing the baby in the carrier and can’t chase him around. Then at night, once the day is over, there’s the sweetness of feeding your baby to sleep in the dark, having them on your chest, hearing their soft breath. In the background there’s a savage pull of knowing your partner is doing bedtime stories and tucking in your toddler without you.