Chelsea Morley is a mother, creative director and founder of Tiny Disco, and The Notepad's advice columnist.
Dear Chelsea,
It’s been a big start to the year. My son turned three, we're starting Kinder, which comes with a lot of changes, and we're trying to drop his sleep which is going terribly.
The tantrums are unbearable, he won't eat dinner or breakfast, he won't sit still, he won't listen, and it has made toilet training go backwards. Why has it taken over a year to toilet train my child?! I'm over parents saying they did it in a weekend!! It's so exhausting mentally, but also manually: changing the sheets in the middle of the night and constant laundry. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but I start to feel like I’m the only one finding this age difficult. Other toddlers are dropping naps and using potties, no worries, for us, trying is blowing up our lives. Other toddler parents are managing the juggle with paid work, but on Mondays my brain is in a spin of everything that happened over the weekend so that I can't remember what I need to do at work. What am I doing wrong?
— Threenager Mum
Dear Threenager Mum,
Ahh the wonderful threes. I am most definitely no expert, but I’m 99% sure that as a child pins on their “3” birthday badge, they also don the title of little overlord, hell bent on making a parent’s life hell. They float in one morning, completely unnoticed while you’re sipping your latte and, before you know it, your walls are covered in bolognaise, your arms are covered in bite marks and your patience is constantly being stretched beyond limits you never knew existed.
Nora Ephron put it perfectly when talking about her child, Sam:
I remember thinking that no one had ever told me how much I would love my child; now, of course, I realised something else no one tells you: that a child is a grenade.
She’s right, as Nora often is. But unlike a grenade that detonates just once, your warlord is supercharged to combust at will and repeatedly - when his snack is in the blue box, not the green, when you peeled his banana, when his blanket won’t sit exactly right, when the park can’t come home with him… And while he’s falling apart, you feel like you’re falling apart [and falling apart is most definitely ok my dear], just know that this phase is completely normal. While your little guy’s emotions are boiling over and testing you, he is also just [I say “just” lightly!] experimenting with his social, emotional and language development and flexing that big juicy brain of his.
I know, this certainly reads as “he’s totally f#$#ing with me”, but it’s honestly a good thing and many other parents are going through it too (even if the ones around you seem not to be). There are endless resources that are worth looking at, like The Toddler Toolkit that can help muster fresh ideas on how to handle the grenades.
The toilet training is stressful and exhausting. Two steps forward, three steps back as your little warlord tinkles and poops wherever he damn well pleases. Add in a dose of Jenny from Mother’s Group gushing about how her little Billy took only four hours to poop in the right place and that comparison spiral can feel real deep and real dark. Fast.
I feel you.
The best thing you can do here is run your own race, and have grace for yourself and you're toddler. Hold faith that he won’t be in a nappy forever [unless it’s a trend in 2030, which at this point is entirely feasible] and he’ll shift to the toilet when he’s ready. Also, keep in mind, “toilet training” and "dropped nap" isn't definitive. They don't just wake up one day and can do it. like everything, it's a process (even if that's not how the "did it in a weekend" parents are explaining it. Here's paediatrician Dr Golly to back me up:
"Dropping naps doesn’t have to be an all or nothing thing. To manage overtiredness as you transition, offer a small nap if your child seems tired or has woken early, and skip it if they’ve slept well overnight and are happy during the day. While it can be tough when you're in the thick of a nap transition phase don't be disheartened, they only tend to last for a month or so. Overtiredness impacts toddlers just like it impacts us - things get harder, as adults we have trouble focussing and can get clumsy. It's common for tired toddlers to have more toilet accidents or want help with tasks they can usually do independently like getting dressed - I find if sleep or stress are sorted out then behaviour follows suit."
Enlist the help of your kindergarten to implement some toilet training and nap-dropping strategies and talk to them about what is [or isn’t] happening at home and where you’re struggling most. It’s amazing how kids might just listen to someone who isn’t you and those angels behind those Kindy doors might just unlock the tactic that you’ve been searching for.
Finally, you. Glorious you. You’re doing the most - working full time, juggling china and keeping a wee overlord alive - it’s important you are kind to yourself.
No, you are not going crazy. Yes, you are doing the best you can. Absolutely, this too shall pass.
Hold your head up, take a deep breath. Oh, and in your longer letter you say your hubby says you need a break, take your him up on that night out. Sometimes a shot of tequila and a solid vent with your bestie can do wonders.
Just don’t invite Jenny.
