"Our Parenting Styles Don't Align, Can We Still Be Friends?"

Chelsea Morley is a mother, creative director and founder of Tiny Disco, and The Notepad's advice columnist.

Dear Chelsea,

My partner and I moved to a new city a few years before having kids and were lucky to make new work friends who became couple friends, then family friends. As the kids have got older into preschooler territory, we've seen more and more our parenting styles are very different. We recently went away with another couple who have far fewer boundaries with their kids: no bedtimes, no routine or responsibilities whereas our kids, and I, thrive on a routine. Another of the dads in the group told my 4-year-old he was "throwing like a girl" at a family barbeque. I haven't said anything to either, but I can feel myself pulling back from plans with them, and the chaos or negative impacts it might bring. I feel like it's a bit taboo to talk about this stuff, but my kids are the most important thing to me, and I want to be doing the right thing by them, but also, I don't want to be friendless or without any adult conversation.

— Potentially Friendless

Dear Potentially Friendless,

One minute you’re on a cute double date with your friends, chatting and sharing a bottle of wine. You’re fantasising about all the family holidays you’ll take together, your kids playing perfectly together for all eternity.

A bright, rosy future!

The next, you’re sitting with those same friends, brow furrowed, witnessing them parent in ways you never would, judging them, and wondering what fresh circle of parenting hell you’ve now entered.

There is not a single parent who hasn’t been here. You’re not alone, yay!

Friendships are commonly formed on shared interests or experiences so, naturally, when we see this straying so wildly during parenthood, it is nothing short of confronting. I’m here to say, as a mother of school-aged children, this doesn’t go away or get easier as they grow.

So, below are some top coping mechanisms that might just help you out.

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

As earth-rattling as it is when a father spews “you throw like a girl” at your 4-year-old, these are the moments when it’s vital you pull up your adult pants and nip that type of thing in the bud.

Ideally, you'd respond in the moment, "Hey Dad, what's wrong with throwing like a girl?", in all likelihood he's going to correct himself and apologise and you'll have both demonstrated great conflict resolution to your kids. Hindsight is 20/20, but you haven't missed your opportunity. Next time you're together pull them aside or call and express why you didn’t appreciate what they said and why. Often people will check themselves and [hopefully] apologise, aiming to improve. If they don’t, then at least you’ve laid clear your own expectations.

Stay true to your own values.

Also, talk to your kids about what happened, answer their questions and help them understand it. Hopefully, the whole thing has gone unnoticed, but in the event that they are thinking about it, or playing it over, research has shown parent-child communication can greatly help children and adolescents process trauma. Also remember, as a parent, you are the single biggest influence on your children. They'll be looking to you to know how to act and feel.

TRY NOT TO JUDGE

I get it, it's incredibly difficult not to judge someone who is doing something you'd never do as a parent, say, shoving nutella into their kids face, but, all kids are different, all parents are different, and we don't know anyone else's experience. This is the key time to exercise a “doing their best” mentality. Try flipping it into a positive. Perhaps your friends don’t have a bedtime for their kids while they are away because of just that point - they are away.

Perhaps they’ve had a tough week and haven’t had time to go to the supermarket so nutella is it. We’ve all been there. Let them eat nutella. Your kids don’t have to do the same.

LEARN FROM THESE FRIENDS

Use this time to learn. It takes a village but not everyone in that village is learning under the same leader. Take from your friends the things you don’t want to do as a parent but equal parts, focus on some positive things you do want to do. None of us are parenting perfectly [that is just impossible!] so use it as a learning opportunity.

Ask questions and explore your friends' answers. You might learn, or just learn about what your friend is going through as a parent. Just don't let this conversation feel like a competition or comparison fest. No one wins from that.

RE-EVALUATE RESPECTFULLY

Sometimes, friendships just aren’t supposed to last. If the tension is too strong or the partner has said one too many things about your kid, it is ok to veer away from that friendship.

The world is big! More people exist!

Weigh up how much you value the friendship and experiment with different ways of connecting. If in the end, it’s still a no, that’s not the end of the world.

We live in this cancel-culture world where we’re all very quick to judge and dismiss. If the situation was reversed, how would you want your friend to come to you? Sometimes, the ticket is in a simple conversation that can help propel you all forward.