Last week, when the story broke of Adelaide mum Emma Burchell leaving her pram (the Bugaboo Butterfly) in her local Salvos, and the op-shop then selling it (for a steal of just $12), my only thought was: relatable. OK, maybe not the store selling it, but leaving your pram behind because you’re trying to converse with another adult, while trying to get a task off your list (dropping off donations), while holding your daughter’s hand and managing your toddler’s toddlering? Standard. Last summer I lost, on separate occasions but all in the same way: a kids wetsuit, beach umbrella, float vest, baby bag and about 3 water bottles. I too am a busy mum and feel the crushing sensation of my brain not working efficiently enough to maintain my life, all the time.
Having got to a place of being so overwhelmed, so exhausted, that my body starts shutting down (usually getting a virus real bad, sometimes headaches other times fun stuff like shingles) on several occasions now, I’ve learnt the warning signs. For me, it starts with not saying the words I mean to say. I’ll be wanting to let the kids know it’s time to leave but instead I’ll call out, “Kids, can you come put on your inbox”. A friend will be asking me about my weekend and I’ll say, “Yeah we went to the lounge room, it was good.” It’s like I’m an iPhone and someone’s messed with the autocorrect. My friend Lucy starts finding random things she’s put in the fridge: her car keys, the dishwashing tablets, folded washing. A co-worker told me she leaves doors open: cupboards but also her front door, her car door.
A 2012 study of 1276 Australian parents with children under 5 found that mothers of young children sleep on average more than eight hours a night, which is considered “enough” rest. But many wake up each morning still feeling tired. The study found this was specifically a problem for mothers, not parents in general. Even with the same amount of sleep, mothers report higher levels of fatigue. Yes, more recent research has found women generally need more sleep than men, but it doesn’t feel like just more sleep is the answer. We need more time, more head space, more help, less pressure, less noise, less expectations. I spoke to Elise Clement, a Sydney-based psychotherapist who specialises in mothers, to better understand the particular type of exhaustion seemingly exclusive to motherhood, and what, if anything, can be done to prevent or better manage it.
What is "overwhelm" or "burn out" and why is it commonly experienced by mums of young kids?
A state of overwhelm or burn out in motherhood can arise when cumulated stress and exhaustion reach a tipping point. Often, it’s accompanied by feelings of inadequacy, guilt, heightened anxiety and emotional distancing from children. Though it can be experienced at any stage of the mothering journey, there is so much change to navigate in the early months postpartum, and the caring needs of little ones can feel so relentless, that it makes new mothers and mothers of young children more prone to experiencing overwhelm. It’s often compounded by lack of sleep, nutrient deficiencies, lack of support and adjusting to the new dynamics brought on by a new mother’s identity shift, a process referred to as matrescence.
How is it different to just being tired (if it is)?
I can safely say that every mother will feel tired at some point. Mothering is not a walk in the park! But tiredness is a temporary experience: we may be tired for a few days, and then we’re able to regain energy with a little more sleep for example or by doing things that “fill our cup”. When overwhelm sets in, we have likely reached physical and emotional exhaustion as opposed to just being tired. Exhaustion is the cumulative effect of tiredness we never got on top of, combined with other factors that may or may not be within our control. Chronic exhaustion will require more time and attention in order to shift.
When is it more likely to occur?
Unfortunately, in our culture, overwhelm is a common experience amongst mothers.
In most cases, they are the primary carer for their children, carrying the weight of household responsibilities, often combined with paid work. They take on the mental load and emotional labour of parenting, without feeling seen or valued and often without support. In this context, it’s no surprise mothers feel overwhelmed! From my experience working with mothers, lack of support is often at the root of burn out and feelings of overwhelm. And yes, we can have a partner and live close to family and still feel like we’re on our own. It’s also important to remember that our expectations shape our experiences. And a lot of the expectations mothers try to live up to these days are unrealistic. The myth of the “perfect mother” is pervasive in our society. When we are not aware of the difference between what’s really important to us and the pressures we have internalised from our upbringing or our social environment when it comes to the way we mother, we are more likely to lack boundaries and experience overwhelm.
How to Prevent Mum Burn Out
- First of all, remember that your needs are important, that your physical, mental and emotional health matter. Make sure you give yourself permission to receive support and ask for it if it is not offered. Gather your village!
- Re-assess your needs often as they will change and evolve: think not only about what you can delegate, but also what you can delete from your schedule or say “no” to. It doesn’t have to be forever, but it may provide huge relief for this season of motherhood you’re in.
- Beware of comparison: it breeds guilt. There is no “right way” to be a mother.
- Learn more about the huge transformation you set into motion when you become a mother. It is called matrescence. You can listen to my audio Matrescence Explained to help you understand how to harness the gifts and overcome the challenges this process brings.
- Seek support or a safe space to share about your experience. Mother focused coaching or therapy can provide beneficial tools to manage your emotions and possibly prevent escalation into feelings of overwhelm.
How to Reset in a Moment of Overwhelm
- Saying to yourself: “I am feeling overwhelmed right now” is a good place to start. The awareness this simple statement creates can help you regain access to the reasoning part of the brain, which you lose access to when you “flip your lid” in a moment of overwhelm.
- Step away for a moment if you can: go outside, put a hand on your heart, focus on your breathing. Remember that you are not alone. Becoming a mother is a learned skill that takes time, requires support and a good dose of self-kindness.
- You may like to ask yourself: “what do I need right now?”. If you can, welcome the need and allow yourself to meet it in the moment. It’s amazing what a good cry, a hug, or a lie-down can do in moments of overwhelm.
Elise Clement combines holistic psychotherapy and matrescence coaching to support women’s mental and emotional wellbeing as they navigate their motherhood journey. She specialises in perinatal support, including all aspects of the transition to motherhood and nurturing emotional resilience during the mothering years.
Related Products
Qiara Pregnancy & Breastfeeding Probiotic
A safe probiotic that supports healthy microflora, vital for you and your baby before, during and after pregnancy.
Choc Chip Mama Biscuits
Lactation cookies full of the good nutrition needed for postpartum.
Belly & Body Oil
A nourishing, natural body oil designed for pregnant bodies.
Prenatal Trimester 2 & 3 Plus Breastfeeding
Hydration Powder - Blood Orange & Coconut Blend
Hydramama - Blackcurrant
30 x 8 gram sachets of essential hydration and replenishing electrolytes.
Heavy Lifter Belly Band
Extra support for when you’re carrying the most.
Hydramama - Watermelon + Lime
30 x 8 gram sachets of essential hydration and replenishing electrolytes.
Hydramama - Passionfruit + Orange
30 x 8 gram sachets of essential hydration and replenishing electrolytes.
The Mothers Blend Powder
A supplement full of essential nutrition to support you during your motherhood journey.
Fig and Almond Tanker Mama Biscuits
Lactation cookies full of the good nutrition needed for postpartum.
Belly Glide Pregnant Body Oil 150ml
Because pregnancy skin is really doing the most, particularly across the belly.
Hydration Powder - Mixed Berry & Coconut Blend
A hydration powder supercharged with electrolytes to support all stages of motherhood from pregnancy through to breastfeeding and beyond.
